So because I hail from the land of beaches, palm trees and yearlong summer weather, it’s easy to assume that yours truly is an avid tree hugging, all things nature related connoisseur/ wildlife advocate and explorer, right? WRONG! Yo, nature is not my thing! I don’t do outdoors, I don’t do the whole woods, trees and rivers or whatever.
I’m a city lover, the only jungle I like, is made of concrete. I like my pollution, my carbon monoxide emissions, the loud car honking and pedestrians Yelling “I’m walking here! I’m walking here!” as they're about to get hit by a car as they cross the street. Watching a chef fighting a rat outside his restaurants, gives me life. Looking at crackheads doing handstands without hands is the true definition of raw art and entertainment; the city life, is music to my ears.
But apparently my cousin Kassandra never got that memo…
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
My cousin KASSANDRA her boyfriend RICH and I are having breakfast on the table. My cousin looks through her phone highly amused.
KASSANDRA
Oh my God! Babe look at these
places.
ME
What are you looking at?
KASSANDRA
Rich and I are thinking of
going away to a B&B
ME
B&B, what’s that?
RICH
Bed and breakfast.
KASSANDRA
Yeah, it’s like a getaway for the weekend to relax.
ME
Oh cool, where is that?
My cousin Kassandra hands me her phone and shows me pictures of cabins in the woods.
ME
Wait, this is in the middle of nowhere,
you guys are going to the sticks?
RICH
Hell yeah! Shit is gonna be fire.
ME
But what are you guys gonna do?
RICH
ME
(to Rich)
Bitch! Besides that.
KASSANDRA
Oh my god, you two.
Anyways, not much really, that’s
the point of going away. We
just wanna get much needed rest.
ME
But you guys are gonna be stranded
and shit. You gonna be there looking
at what?
RICH
Nature, girl!
ME
Boy, if I wanted to look at something
natural, all I have to do is look in
the mirror.
Rich BURSTS OUT LAUGHING hysterically, my cousin shakes her head.
KASSANDRA
But the view girl! It’s such a breathtaking sight,
it’s so beautiful.
ME
And we go back to the mirror!
Rich laughs again.
KASSANDRA
I can’t with you.
I thought that was the end of the nature talk, but oh I was so wrong…
INT. MY BEDROOM – DAY DAYS LATER
I lay in bed relaxing and looking through my phone, I get a text message from my cousin.
KASSANDRA
(text)
Hey girl, do you wanna go hiking?
ME
(whispering)
Hiking? What the fu-
Up till then, never in the history of "Félizdome" have I ever gone hiking nor was
I ever planning to.
I stare at the text message and ponder for a second before replying.
ME
(text)
Uuuuuhh –
KASSANDRA
(text)
Come on! I couldn’t find anyone to
come with me so I thought of you
I promise, it’s gonna be fun.
ME
(text)
Ummm...
KASSANDRA
(text)
Pleeeeease!! :(
ME
(text)
Okay fine.
-_-
KASSANDRA
Yay! I love you.
ME
(text)
As you should.
EXT. FORREST – DAY - A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER
My cousin, her dogs BELLA (lap poodle) and LEIA (two colored eyed, poodle Chihuahua mix) pull over. I stick my head out the window and look around: nothing but trees, woods and dirt. I’m highly unamused and already regretting the trip. I take a deep breath.
ME
Girl I can’t believe you asked me
to do this, I told you, I don’t do nature.
KASSANDRA
Girl, it’s gonna be fun, trust me.
ME
Yeah okay.
KASSANDRA
Grab Leia and I’ll take Bella.
I grab Leia and she grabs Bella.
EXT. WOODS – DAY - MOMENTS LATER
My cousin, the dogs and I stand in front of a trail map. There are three trails: a blue one the shortest, a red one a little longer than the blue one and a yellow one the LONGEST one.
KASSANDRA
Which one do you think we should ta-
ME
The blue one!
KASSANDRA
(pondering)
Oh, I don’t know, I was
thinking the yellow one yeeah,
You see, I tried my best to give this girl a hint that I wasn’t feeling the yellow trail
ME
But-but-but blue though,
I like blue…
KASSANDRA
Yeeeeah we should definitely
take the yellow one. We can absorb
the essence of this trip better.
I kept throwing the bones at her but she kept missing them, one, by one...
ME
…blue is nice, it’s the color of the sky
It’s such a soothing color, matches
one of Leia’s eyes…
KASSANDRA
(excited)
Yellow trail it is!
ME
I was going to fight it but I knew it wasn't going to work because Dorothy here had set her mind. So, we went ahead and took the yellow trail walk. And boy let me tell you, a minute and a half into it and I wanted to leave already. The terrain couldn’t make it up It’s mind, it kept changing from from flat to slopes, to flat, to slopes again. And the bugs, don't get me started on those bitches. They were everywhere! and Leia, that little dog may only weight like 5 lbs and a half but she’s she's strong as hell. At one point I wasn't walking her, she was walking me! She deadass dragged me behind her.
ME
Girl, I’m so tired! This walk is endless!!
How long has it been?
KASSANDRA
8 minutes!
ME
I pause and take a deep breathe, I notice something strange, an odor in the air.
ME
Girl what the hell is that smell?!
KASSANDRA
Oh, you’re smelling Mother Nature.
ME
Well Mother nature needs some deodorant ‘cuz girl
This ain’t it. Jesus Christ on a bike! I should have
brought some Axe, or Febreeze or something.
KASSANDRA
(chuckles)
Come on! Let’s keep going
We have a loooong way to go.
ME
(fighting back tears)
Why you gotta elongate that
“long” though?
EXT. WOODS – DAY - A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER
My cousin walks with Bella way ahead of me, I stay behind panting and catching my breath.
So, we walked for what seemed an Eternity, my feet hurt, my butt was sore, gnats and bugs made a feast out of me. I just about had it. It got to the point I was imagining a way out of there.
EXT. WOODS – DAY (IMAGINARY SCENARIO)
KASSANDRA
Come on! Keep going!
I stare at a tree trunk, suddenly a PORTAL slowly starts to open up. I gauge at it and walk towards it completely hypnotized. I walk into it and I come out, I look down and see the pavement, I look up and see the car, a GLOWING LIGHT shines over it, CHURCH CHOIR music plays in the background; it's an immaculate view, it's just beautiful.
ME
(crying)
Oh my God, I made it.
Yas! Thank you, Lord.
The car talks to me.
THE CAR
Girl, girl!
ME
(happy tears)
Yas! I’m coming to you.
THE CAR
Girl!
A hand shakes me. I come to reality.
END OF IMAGINARY SCENARIO.
KASSANDRA
Girl! Are you okay?
You keep staring at that tree.
(chuckles) come on let’s go.
ME
Damn it.
EXT. WOODS – DAY
My cousin walks up to a river.
KASSANDRA
Okay I think we can take a break.
ME
Finally!
I let go of Leia, she runs towards Bella and they drink water from the river. My cousin takes her phone out and takes pictures of the scenery and the dogs. I take my phone out and attempt to go on Instagram but it doesn’t load.
ME
Girl, tell me how Instagram isn't working
right now, it won't load.
KASSANDRA
Well we’re in the woods, there's no signal here.
ME
Then what’s the point of being here?!
I look around and point towards the trees.
ME
What’s the point of those things?
Why can’t they give out something
useful like Wi-Fi! But nooo, they're
useless!
KASSANDRA
But oxy-
ME
Let’s go!
KASSANDRA
Oh, okay.
My cousin shakes her head and grabs Bella and I take Leia and we were on our merry way.
EXT. WOODS - DAY - MOMENTS LATER
We walk and bump into a middle aged couple, the dogs walk up to them. The couple pet and engage with the dogs, my cousin strikes up a conversation with them. I stay behind and watch my cousin talk to them. I turn around and look around the bushes. My cousin finishes talking to the couple and sees me looking around.
KASSANDRA
Girl what are you doing?
what you looking for?
ME
(looking through the bushes)
Oh, do you remember that
fun you said was going to be here?
Yeah, I'm looking for it.
I stick my head out of the bushes and look around clapping.
ME
(clapping)
FUN!! Where are you fun?! I'm
I'm looking for you fun?! Come out
come out wherever you are! OH FUUUN!!
My cousin stares at my audacity and shakes her head.
KASSANDRA
(Chuckles)
Oh my God!
So, basically that was our dynamic for the remainder of our walk
through yellow brick road. Until...
EXT. WOODS – DAY -
My cousin and Bella walk far ahead of me leaving me behind. I collapse on my knees.
ME
(Panting)
I…can’t…take..this.. anymore.
My hands claw into the dirt, I pause for a moment and, I SNAPPED.
I SCREAM at the top of my lungs. My cousin and the dogs jolt and quickly turn towards me.
ME
(ranting)
That’s it! I’m done with this
trip! Enough is enough! I came
here and did what you wanted to do.
I breathed in air, I hugged a tree,
I looked at the sky, I touched a
leaf. I want to go home, I’m tired
I’m hungry, I’m hot, I’m sweaty
I got bugs all over me, and my
my butt! Is so freaking sore!
Girl my butt better have grown 2 inches
after this nightmare of a walk! Girl I love you
but this ain’t it! I need my bed, my internet,
I need to go back to civilization.
KASSANDRA
Girl, -
ME
I’ve had it! I’ve-
My cousin grabs my lips and shits them, she points at something.
KASSANDRA
Look!
I look over at what she’s pointing at, and I saw it, PAVEMENT, THE CAR! My eyes widen and sparkle at the magnificent and glorious view.
KASSANDRA
(enthusiastically)
We made it!
I jolt and BOLT to the pavement. I SLAM my body against it and spread my arms and legs out.
ME
Oh pavement! Sweet, sweet
95 percent man made mix
of stone, gravel, sand and five
percent asphalt cement. How have I
missed thee! How wonderful is to see
you again.
I take my face off the pavement and look up, I see the car. I get off the floor and SLAM my body against the car.
ME
Oh sweet, sweet, man made
four wheeled, fossil fuel consuming
carbon monoxide emitting metal contraption
how have I longed for you to take me back to
reinstate me back to society!
Tears roll down my eyes. My cousin and her dogs exchange looks at my dramatic outcry. My cousin shakes her head and chuckles.
she takes the car keys out.
KASSANDRA
Alright, alright, let’s go you
drama queen.
ME
I’m not dramatic!
My cousin looks at me, this time I’m ON TOP of the car hugging the roof.
KASSANDRA
We all get in the car and drive off into the sunset.
And there you have it, reason number 3,445 of why I don’t do nature. Don't get me wrong, I got nothing against it, hell I even pitch in my token of gratitude towards Mother nature. I put my trash in my pockets until I find a trash can, I use a refillable water bottle and at the grocery store, instead of asking for a plastic bag, I just put my avocados in my purse.
However, the whole "living and breathing the au natural" is just not cut out For me. Some may think I’m cruel, some may say I’m closed minded, and others may think I’m exaggerating and being dramatic, which I'm not. But, you have to understand that everyone has a place on this Earth, and mine is being integrated with civilizations with high speed 4G internet, coffee and bagels. Not in the sticks, making fire with stones and catching fish with my teeth. Oh, and speaking of wildlife adventures, what's up with all these outdoorsy dudes I keep seeing on dating apps? Where are my stay at home, chill, cuddle and don't even look outside the window guys at? Are they showing themselves hiking to impress? Like Randy Jackson say
PS: By the way, my butt did NOT grow an extra two inches got damn it! I mean, It's the least I deserve! But noooo.
PPS: Mother Nature girl, if you're reading this, I'm sorry, but you're not invited to my cookout, like, ever.
And that it's all folks, until next time.